The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a thing.
Seriously.
In B.C. alone, there are court and tribunal rulings about the church and its fight for members’ religious rights to wear pirate hats or colanders as per their faith’s calling.
Just last year, the church’s first B.C. wedding took place just outside Grand Forks with provincial church leader Dread Pyrate Higgs (OK, Gary Smith) performing the ceremony — with an appropriate amount of pirate noises.
“We don’t like organized religions,” Jaromir Pavlat said of his nuptials with Dani Magnussen near Christina Lake. “So, having a new religion that makes fun of other religions... we got married.”
Indeed, a good community citizen, the B.C. church has even adopted a section of road.
In fact, if you want to become an ordained church minister, you can for US$59.
However, the surface silliness hides a serious motive just as perhaps Canada’s Rhinocerous Party and Britain’s Monster Raving Loony Party poked fun at political establishment and rules.
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (CFSM) has a satirical seriousness behind its antics — it gives moral support to those around the world who cannot express themselves, especially folks in non-democratic nations.
Smith is a devout CFSM follower and believer in Quob, the deity who is in friendly conflict with the Pansexual Quantum Toaster whose holy day is March 23.
Even the provincial Insurance Corporation of BC (ICBC) has been involved with Smith for years now in a fight over pirate hats in drivers’ licence photos. The fight is not so much about wearing pirate hats as it is about who decides what a religion is or is not, what religious adornments are acceptable and how those are enforced, says Smith.
To be clear: a pirate hat is not the only form of Pastafarian headgear. Pasta colanders are also accepted — just not by ICBC.
So how did the church come to be? When did things come to a boil for the church as people began to be touched by Quob’s noodly appendage?
Well, that’s a tale we have to go back a few years on. It's a story centred around a visionary man by the name of Bobby Henderson.
'We offer evolutionary humanism'
It was in 2005 that Henderson penned an open letter to the Kansas State Board of Education, which was in the process of deciding whether the alternative theory of intelligent design should be taught in schools alongside the theory of evolution.
The intelligent design theory posits that the universe and its complex life forms can’t be explained solely by natural causes. As such, it suggests an intelligent higher power contributed to the universe’s origins.
Explained CFSM’s German church founder, satirist Rüdiger Weida, part of CFSM’s function is satire but “one must offer something. We offer evolutionary humanism.”
For Smith, a resident of Grand Forks, where local members meet regularly, CFSM is about the ability of people to believe what they wish and express themselves as they desire.
He said there are numerous people around the world living in paternalist or autocratic regimes where they are told how to behave, “or we’ll kill you.”
“Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m doing and then I think about the women in Iran,” he said. “Bottom line is, a lot of people have it worse. They can’t make the choices. It’s got to do with supporting the people around the world who cannot express themselves as they wish.”
Smith was raised a Roman Catholic but has explored many faiths in his time, including Jainism, Buddhism and the Baha’i faith.
He said others impugning his CFSM beliefs as frivolous or disingenuous causes offence.
“I devote a great deal of my thinking time to these issues,” he said.
The revelation
Henderson’s letter is also known as the church’s revelation.
“I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him,” Henderson wrote.
Henderson stressed to the board that he had evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe.
“None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.”
The spaghetti monster may also be somewhat of a drunk.
But, explained Giuilia Evolvi, a Netherlands’ University of Erasmus religion scholar, CFSM would like not have grown and evolved without the Internet.
“Without the internet, the Henderson letter would most likely remain an isolated episode, Evolvi said in a 2013 commentary.
“The FSM is authentic not because it truly exists, but because atheists and sceptics use it as a way to express their feelings; not an open fight against mainstream religiosity, but an nternet laugh to encourage people to use rational thinking in addition to their approach to faith,” she said.
The sacraments
Still, the church has prayers, high holy days and ceremonies — some bearing remarkable but surely coincidental similarities to other faiths.
One such missive to the almighty is The Pastafarian Prayer: “Our pasta, who art in a colander, draining be your noodles. Thy noodle come, Thy sauce be yum, on top some grated Parmesan. Give us this day, our garlic bread, …and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trample on our lawns. And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza, for thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever. R’amen.”
And then, instead of the Twelve Commandments, CFSM has The Eight Condiments also known as the Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts.
Those are, according to the website of the Australian arm of the church:
1. I’d really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou ass when describing my Noodly Goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s OK.
Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
2. I’d really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I’d really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, OK? Oh, and get this in your thick heads: woman = person. Man = person. Samey-samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I’d really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age and mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I’d really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b******.
6. I’d really rather you didn’t build multimillion-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my Noodly Goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
a. ending poverty
b. curing diseases
c. living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable.
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I am the creator.
7. I’d really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
8. I’d really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/lass Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of mike, wear a condom! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
Religious texts
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has multiple religious texts and prayers, many of which are clearly satirical.
They drew they attention of South Australian Civil and Administrative Tribunal member Kathleen McEvoy in 2021, when the tribunal rejected an Australian Church of the Flying Spaghetti Wunderkind incorporation attempt.
McEvoy noted some Pastafarian texts are displayed in traditional religious forms, and made references to books of the Bible such as "Old Testicle" and "New Testicle."
McEvoy said the “Pastafarian texts present a hoax religion.”
“It is my view that the Pastafarian texts can only be read as parody or satire, namely, an imitation of work made for comic effect. In my view, its purpose is to satirize or mock established religions, and it does so without discrimination,” she said.
Prophet Henderson goes further.
In The Gospel of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, CFSM notes other religious texts such as the Buddhists’ Bananapada, Hindus Ten Little Indians, The Jains’ Fun with Dick and Jain, Islam’s Q-Tip, Wiccans The Witches of Eastwick and The Sufis’ Sufi’s Up.
The church suggests having a read and, if you’re not satisfied in 30 days, going back to your old religion.
“We are not anti-religion, we are anti-crazy nonsense done in the name of religion,” the CFSM website said. “There is a big difference. Our ideal is to scrutinize ideas and actions but ignore general labels.”
Current issues and CFSM
The church also maintains an interest in current affairs
“You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s,” Henderson said in the school board letter. “For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.”
The church also addressed COVID-19, with Henderson providing exemptions to those who did not wish to “be exposed to, or work in the proximity of, unvaccinated individuals.”
Satire
Director Michael Arthur made the 2019 documentary film I, Pastafari.
In a Munich film festival interview he said, “satire is a reflection of reality. When you combine that with this idea of religion, what is a real religion? I don’t think anyone, even theologians can answer that.”
Tony Meacham, a constitutional law lecturer at the U.K.’s Coventry University, has tried to provide an answer, though.
In a 2019 commentary article for The Conversation, Meacham said the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has long been viewed as a joke.
“FSM's apparent lack of sincerity as a religion (their traditional headdress is a colander, their deity an invisible spaghetti monster) has lead to the idea that they constitute no more than a satire on society,” Meacham said.
“Henderson argued that the Pastafarian position on this debate should also be given equal value and consideration. The church's founder has argued their values include the need to ‘keep religion out of government schools, keep money out of religion, that sort of thing.’ They clearly state on their website: (CFSM) is a real, legitimate religion, as much as any other. The fact that many see this as a satirical religion doesn't change the fact that by any standard one can come up with, our religion is as legitimate as any other. And that is the point.”
