Adolescence is a time of dramatic change. Young people often feel tremendous pressure to succeed; whether it is at school, at home or in social groups. At the same time, they may lack the emotional regulation skills that carry them through these challenging times. While negative behaviour is not always linked to excessive stress, negative changes in behaviour are almost always a clear indication that something is wrong. Parents may want to pay attention to these behaviours as clues to underlying issues, and determine an appropriate course of action.
In my practice, parents often come to me stating their teen is angry. Anger, or angry responses, is often a secondary emotion marking underlying feelings such as hurt or embarrassment, for example. Social factors (bullying, struggles with identity, pressure to succeed, peer pressure) and biological factors (hormones, predisposition to mental health and substance abuse) can be factors that complicate poor emotional regulation skills.
Emotional regulation skills are not tools we are born with. They are developed over years with the help of our parents and the community around us. If our parents struggle with their own regulation, we are subsequently affected. We need to teach our children at an early age how to consequence, without humiliation or punishment.
WHAT PARENTS CAN DO TO SUPPORT THEIR TEEN:
Think before you speak: Take some time to ask yourself the following questions: 1) Is it worth my continued attention? 2) Am I justified in feeling this way? 3) Do I have an effective solution?
Delay expression anger until you are calm – take an emotional time out: I repeat; once you’re calm, express your anger. As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration and state your concerns clearly and directly, without hurting feelings or trying to control them. Avoid getting into conversations with your teen when they are visibly angry. Let them know you will revisit when they are calmer.
Exercise: Physical exercise can alleviate the mood and can be as effective as drug therapy. It can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry.
Every problem has a solution: This is a great way to instill a sense of personal power and redirect negative thinking patterns. Instead of focusing on what angers you, work on ways to resolve the issue. Remind your teen that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.
Stick with ‘I’ statements: To avoid criticizing or placing blame – which might only increase tension – use ‘I’ statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific.
Use distractions: Encourage them to listen to music, play a game, go for a walk or call someone. Fixation on a problem when you are upset can make it appear bigger than it is.
Practice relaxation skills: When your temper flares, put relaxation to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises such as; square breathing and progressive relaxation, visualize a relaxing scene or repeat calming phrases. You can also listen to calming music (I recommend ‘Weightless’ by Maconi Union).
Don’t hold a grudge: Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or resentment. If you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation.
Know when to seek help – and where to get it: Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. If you feel that your teen is not responding to your support, reach out. There’s help.
Touchstone Family Association offers teen specific psycho-educational groups in 12 weekly sessions. There, youth develop an understanding of their personal process, their emotions and learn that managing them is essential to personal growth. For more details contact Kelly Gault at [email protected] or visit our website: www.touchstonefamily.ca.
A final thought: Rome wasn’t built in a day. Change takes new skills, practice, time and a whole lot of patience. Start developing these skills in your children as early as possible. Most of all, practice these skills yourself.
How to know if your teen is having difficulties managing their emotions
· Lack of interest in being active
· Poor eating habits
· Sleeping too much or too little
· Decrease in school or athletic performance
· Fixating (video games, internet, going out, friendships)
· Significantly avoiding parents
· Abandoning long-time friendships for a new set of peers
· Expressing excessive hostility toward family members
· Picking fights with family members
These along with excess mood swings may indicate that the teen is experiencing significant stress and will support.
