Dear Lisi: I made four best girlfriends in high school. We were all on the cheerleading squad, and all had boyfriends who excelled in their sports. Two of the girls married their high school sweethearts; two of us didn’t, but married other great guys. The fifth in our group thought she’d marry her high school boyfriend, but there was drama.
We all marched in each other’s weddings and are still extremely close. The last one just got married and we had the best time! It was an awesome weekend event, so full of love and friendship.
That was in May; it’s now August and she has stopped talking to all of us. We have no idea why and don’t know what to do. We’ve all reached out, and the two who live closest have gone over to her house. Once no one was home; and the other managed to see her but she just gave her the cold shoulder, said she was busy and wouldn’t let her in.
What do we do?
Abandoned
You must keep trying. This is very out-of-the-ordinary behaviour and therefore you have reason to be worried. But there are many possible reasons, and without more information, it’s hard to know what’s going on.
If she’s unhealthy, or her husband is unhealthy, the truth will come out sooner than later, and they’re both going to need your support. If it’s something that needs immediate intervention, if he’s abusing her for example, you’ll need to get her safely away from him. So, don’t give up.
After so many years of friendship, you must have a relationship with her parents and/or siblings. Have you tried talking to them? They might be able to explain everything…. or they’ll appreciate that you four are there to help them figure out what’s going on. Band together. I have a feeling she’s going to need all the support she can get.
Dear Lisi: I have a really good friend whom I like a lot. We talk almost every day on the phone because we don’t live in the same city. But she’s always talking about herself. She’s a really nice person and has a lot going on. She’s a lot of fun to be around, and she makes me laugh on the phone.
She’s also always trying to make plans so we can actually see each other in person, and she’s very caring. It’s hard for me to make plans because I work long hours so I can save money to buy a house with my boyfriend.
I really do like her, but how can I get her to talk about something else besides herself?
Not so interested
It’s great that you are working to save money to buy a house. That’s obviously your focus right now. Have you told your friend this information? If yes, why don’t you invite her to come to your neighbourhood and drive around with her. Get her input on houses you’re looking at. That will engage her in your life, as well as give you the chance to be together in person.
But if you haven’t told her, then why not? I suggest you do so she can be more conscious of your workday free time. I also suggest that when you speak with her, make sure you have something to ask (about her, her life, her work, her family), and something to say. If you don’t, just tell her you can’t speak and you’ll call her later. Sometimes you just need a break.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
