Dear Ellie: Last year, I was to marry a woman I love with all my heart. She feels the same for me. But the night before our wedding we were forced not to marry by her parents.
Some false accusations were made about me, so both families disallowed us from marrying. My love and I were both heartbroken. She got clinically depressed. I was admitted to a hospital because I kept passing out randomly.
We stopped talking for a while and I ended up getting married. The woman I’m with is great and amazing. Any guy would be lucky to have her. I should consider myself lucky but I cannot stop thinking about and loving my ex.
I keep telling myself it’s just a phase that will fade away, but it kept getting stronger until my ex contacted me saying how unfair it was, how she still loves me and wants to be with me.
This didn’t help with my feelings so she and I keep talking.
I need help! I’m not a bad guy nor a cheater, but I’m torn and lost and don’t know what to do. I cannot talk to anyone about this because, either they will defend me and talk badly about my ex (everything they say is untrue) or tell me to live with this feeling and hopefully it will go away.
What Should I Do?
Let me start with “Do not rush a decision.”
I appreciate that you’re in an emotional crisis over the choices ahead, but you must try to look calmly at the dilemma facing you.
You’ve married a “great and amazing woman,” but you still love your former fiancée. That’s the heart of the matter.
But the nerve centre is within you, not her. You’d previously suffered false accusations that shamed you within your community of parents/friends, etc. No wonder you had a reaction that put you in hospital, “passing out randomly.”
Now, you’re talking again with your ex, feeling you can’t stop loving her. But can you handle dealing with both sets of relatives and gossips who’ll once again badmouth both of you?
Also, you must be fair to your current wife. Or she, too, will suffer confusion and hurt, having done nothing to cause it.
Once you calmly confront these main issues, you’ll know what to do: Be honest with yourself, both women, and the involved parents. Then act on it.
Note: You and your ultimate partner may both benefit from discussion with a professional marriage counsellor. You’ll both know if it’s needed.
Reader’s Commentary regarding the journey of grief (May 7): “My mom died 37 years ago leaving behind a husband and seven children. I remember every minute by minute of everything I did, where I was, etc. on that traumatic day.
“We were young, too immersed in our own grief to help each other.
“We’ve all carried on — marriage, children, jobs, good health - but at every family function, holidays, birthdays there’s a void we all still feel.
“We’ve changed and our life paths altered because of her death. I believe we all have some PTSD.
“Unfortunately, me and my siblings either can’t/won’t seek therapy, because feeling pain again is too debilitating.
“People who experience an all-encompassing grief need time. It took our father years before he could accept and move forward.
“To “Worried Son:” Keep an eye on your father - listen, allow him to grieve openly, be there and try not to “fix” something that only time will mend.”
FEEDBACK regarding the man whose girlfriend wants to discuss marriage, but his previous bitter break-up has made him reluctant to marry again (May 5):
Reader: “Unless you’ve been through a bitter divorce, you’ll never understand the pain that it causes. I could very well see myself as this man. I am now open with anyone I date that all I am really looking for right now is companionship.
“If this guy has other qualities which she likes/loves, then she would need to accept a long romance as their current plan. He could possibly change his opinion if he sees that she could fit into his life permanently.
“But if she stresses her desire to marry soon, he will very likely push her away.
“Even if their relationship has been a very long commitment, I agree with Ellie that this is not the guy for her today. Tomorrow? Maybe.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Never make hasty decisions about an emotionally charged matter.
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