I met myself the other day.
I don't mean in some wishy-washy neo-hippie consciousness raising epiphanic moment way. I mean there was a bright flash of light in the backyard, and my older self appeared.
Remember when the Large Hadron Collider was fired up? Apparently, that will lead to the discovery of time travel in 2028.
When Apple bundles a time travel app on the 2031 edition of the iSkull implant, all heck breaks loose.
When I got over the shock of meeting my 53year-old self (mental note: go to the gym more and vow never to buy toupee, avert dark future in which I resemble a muskrat), he explained everything.
Apparently, time travel has already wreaked havoc with our present. The worst casualty is U.S. politics, which only makes sense in the light of hundreds, if not thousands, of time travellers constantly fiddling with history.
Ronald Reagan, for example. Really - an actor best known for starring with an orangutan became president? This was an elaborate joke by a USC frat.
However, Reagan was actually who he seemed to be. Most other politicians and members of the pundit class are time travellers themselves.
Bill Clinton was a cloned bioroid created by the Neo-Republicans of 2107, intended to discredit the Democrats by being a ridiculous punchline of a candidate. A womanizing, saxophone-playing, McDonald's-eating, good old boy? It backfired on them a bit.
George W. Bush is a genetically modified jellyfish colony from the year 333,947. He was sent back specifically to veto a single, minor piece of legislation that would have prevented the evolution of super-intelligent sea cucumbers.
After that, the cucumbers pretty much let him off the leash and he got to indulge his passion for blowing stuff up and clearing brush on his ranch.
Barrack Obama is not, no matter what anyone says, a Muslim/Indonesian/ Kenyan/socialist/radical. He's a cyborg. He was created in 2074 to prevent, at all costs, the cancellation of Sesame Street.
Apparently, if Elmo goes off the air, it will inevitably lead to nuclear war between the Empire of Neo-Tokyo and Mr. Fruitgum's Happytime Candy Company, LLC.
Mitt Romney is a more advanced cyborg created by Mr. Fruitgum's Happytime Candy Company to ensure that the corporation wins.
House speaker John Boehner is from an alternate timeline in which humans are descended from three-toed sloths.
Nancy Pelosi is a steam-powered automaton and is attempting to de-stabilize America to re-create the British Empire. She got sidetracked on the way to the American Revolution.
Vice president Joe Biden was created by Industrial Light and Magic in 2099, and is in fact merely a sophisticated special effect.
Michele Bachman is not a time traveller, but will be revealed in 2019 to be a reptiloid from the centre of the Earth.
Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and most of the Fox News staff are scientists from 2784 studying human rage levels.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are unaware of this, because they are just visiting from 2693.
Glenn Beck is not a time traveller, sloth, reptiloid, cyborg, jellyfish colony, or robot. He's just...like that. Nobody knows why.
Unfortunately, another rogue time traveller will probably be along any minute now to edit my future self's visit out of our current reality.
Then it will be as if this column - and this warning to you all - never happened.
Matthew Claxton is a reporter for the Langley Advance.
